So today I tried to help someone and I have no idea if it did any good…

So today I spent some time with a young girl who is in the EXACT same place I was in a year ago  – and I have no idea if I helped in any way.

This amazing, ,beautiful, funny, smart and wonderful girl, who I’ve only met a few times, is virtually collapsing under the weight of a horrible family secret and the only thing I can think to do is talk. Talk about mundane things most of the time. Talk to fill the silence that creeps up on all of us when we’re not sure how serious we should be. Make jokes to fill the silence. Add the little wisdom I have that comes from experiencing the same thing.

She’s so young!!! All I can thing to tell her is that, even though it doesnt feel like it, it’s good that she is confronting this so early – “Don’t do what I did. Don’t pretend that it’s all ok for another 10 years and alienate your friends, almost completely fuck up your family relationships, use drugs to escape your thoughts and a food obsession to numb your feelings. You don’t want to spend your 30th birthday in rehab because you were too scared to let someone know that you weren’t perfect and needed some help. Going to a doctor and talking to a professional is horrible and scary but it’s not nearly as bad as  one of your best friends having to tell you that she can’t let you drive her child – or your own – in good conscience. That she thinks you are a drug addict and she has to take your keys. That she knows you’re not a bad mother  but she can also see that you’re sick and it’s damaging your relationship with your daughter. That you need help and she is going to make sure you get it – that she’d rather you were involved in your treatment but if you wouldn’t acknowledge it she’d make sure you got it anyway. It’s horrible now and I won’t tell you it will ever go away completely but it WILL get better. It will even though it feels like something that will tarnish the rest of your life. It doesn’t have to – it WILL get better.”

I don’t know what else to say to her. If she has questions I am happy to answer them of course. I just…don’t know what else to do. I wish I could take away her pain – absorb it, at least for a few weeks so she can sleep. I’m so angry and so sad that yet another woman I know has had to go through this. So sad and angry that there aren’t more resources available to help. That she has had to carry this burden of guilt and shame for so long all on her own.

It’s all just so sad and horrible and heartbreaking. Noone should ever have to go through something like that at all and it should never be something someone feels like they have to deal with on their own.

Why don’t we have something like this here? – NZ still misunderstands Mental Illness

So last week was Mental Health Awareness week and for me it really highlighted just how UNAWARE of Mental Illness we are in NZ and how prevalent it is. The Mental Health Foundation launched and advertised the icky “Life’s a game, Play It!” campaign

(that I had to see all over Princess Margaret Hospital – where I go for my counselling sessions for Depression, Anxiety and an Eating Disorder among other things) which, to me. demonstrates just how ignorant even supposed mental health professionals are about mental illness. Lots of amazingly brave and wonderful people shared their struggles with this often invisible illness and many more (just as brave and wonderful people) chose to remain private about their battles. Both choices are totally legitimate and both come with problems or their own.

When you think of mental illness – by Jennifer Mathis http://www.flickr.com/photos/26429090@N07/6765910337

I have chosen to be open about my own “crazy brain” difficulties (on this blog at least!) not because I’m “brave” or because it’s easy – it scares the shit out of me to have this all out in the open! – but because I know, for me, I NEED other people to know to keep myself in check. I know that, for my particular set of problems, it’s so easy for me to go off the rails. I’m so used to downplaying my problems, keeping other people at a distance so I can keep up my perfect façade and lying to myself that it’s pretty much impossible to really look after myself for my own sake.  Mostly because my self esteem is still pretty terrible – taking so much time to eat properly, look after my medication and go to all my appointments doesn’t seem worth it when it’s only for my sake! This is one area where i can use my ‘people pleasing’ to my advantage – if other people expect me to try my best to get better then I can totally do it for them!

Still, I know how judgemental people can be about mental illness and this blog is a scary thing to have floating around…I’m COMPLETELY procrastinating from finishing my post about addiction especially because, of all my myriad brain wiring malfunctions, that is the one I am still trying to get my head around. The one that I still cringe when i think about. The one that I know completely changed me as a person for quite a while. The one that I feel had the biggest impact on my health, my career, my relationships and some of my choices as a mother. The one that still racks me with guilt and would make me cry every day if I wasn’t so good at stamping on my tears. Also, the one I feel most people I know (not my good friends obv but my new workmates and boss etc) would be MOST surprised about. The one that would make them look at me differently and completely change their opinion of me. Most of these thoughts are projection I’m ashamed to admit. Before I acknowledged my drug problem I had some pretty concrete ideas about what a ‘real’ drug addict was. I was scared to go into a treatment programme for 8 weeks because I wasn’t “like them” – I know my mother still doesn’t really think of me as a recovering addict and it still makes her VERY uncomfortable that I remain friends with some of the people I was in treatment with. Anyway, more about that in the real post dedicated to addiction.

The reason I wanted to post again about mental illness was to share a really amazing resource my excellent therapist turned me on to. It’s completely free and available to anyone online. The Centre for Clinical Intervention (CCI) describes itself as “ a specialist state-wide program that is administered through North Metropolitan Health Services in Western Australia. We conduct clinically applied psychosocial research and provide training and supervision for various psychological interventions. We also offer a clinical service for adults suffering from anxiety, mood and eating disorders” – this Australian organisation provides information and techniques to overcome various issues associated with mental health disorders including depression, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, self esteem issues, anxiety, perfectionism and quite a few more. These resources come in the form of information packs and exercises to work through either on your own or in concert with a therapist. I am currently working through the packet on Perfectionism and I would encourage everyone who battles with mental illness to check it out. In NZ, resources of this calibre are definitely not as readily available and this is one of the more easily accessed and relevant online resources I have come across. There is no “signing up” – you don’t have to register an email address or prove you have a problem to access these helpful documents and, even if you can’t afford counselling at the moment (which many of us can’t in NZ), or feel it’s not the right time for you to be in therapy, working through these packets can be helpful in questioning unhelpful thought patterns at the very least.

All you have to do to check this out is to go to  http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm

and choose the information packet you want to have a look at. There are 14 different mental health issues (and more to come apparently) that are dealt with in reasonable depth – the information and exercises are designed for people to work through at their own pace, is not difficult to understand (but also not condescending) and, from what I’ve seen so far, is very interesting, helpful and well written. Please check them out if you think they would be helpful for you! I would love to see the NZ Mental Health Foundation come up with something as helpful and readily available – money for funding of mental health services of all kinds is desperately short in our little country. It’s sad that people are still so ignorant of what mental illness is and the impact it has on people – long and short term sufferers alike can feel isolated, ashamed, guilty and weak for dealing with these issues that are completely out of their control and this is made worse by the attitudes of ignorant health professionals, the media and the general public.

I love you all my beautiful and brave friends – my twitter community, my amazing friends and my loving family make my circumstances so much easier to handle. I wish everyone was as lucky as me.

This week in Sarah’s Life: A Science Experiment

NOTE: I do NOT recommend this course of action in general. Reducing/stopping prescribed, mid to long term medication without consulting a health professional can be VERY dangerous. This is especially true of medications effecting the brain/mood. It is not always possible to predict how a change to one medication can effect others that you may be taking or how your body chemistry/brain function will react to further stress. Some meds can cause SEVERE withdrawal symptoms even after a short period of time. The only reason I undertook this on my own was because I have been on a lower does until reasonably recently (about 4 months), I have had quite intense therapy regularly since my dose was increased and I have much better coping mechanisms in place.  It was still a kind of stupid idea.  ALWAYS consult a doctor/psychiatrist before changing your doses.

So, at the beginning of this week I decided to decrease my Quetiapine (anxiety medication) dose. I have been on this medication for a little over a year now – I was first put on it just before I went into rehab to give me something to help me sleep since I could no longer mask my unpleasant thoughts with horrible, horrible cyclizine. Quetiapine has a VERY LOW physical addiction risk but it comes with its own problems – I discovered that I can’t take it at night because it reacts badly with one of my antidepressants – it gives me RLS when combined with Mirtazipine. It can be sedating (if I take it too close to going into a darkened room – a movie theatre for example – it puts me straight to sleep) and it causes extremely intense dreams – sometimes full on Night Terrors. It does, however, stop my thoughts from becoming too intensely focused – it doesn’t PREVENT the black hole that is my anxiety spiral but it DOES make it less intense and means it happens less often.

One of the less serious consequences of my anxiety – http://www.flickr.com/photos/21014621@N08/4310001722

Four months ago, after I COMPLETELY fell apart, my psychiatrist doubled my quetiapine dose. This was absolutely the right move at the time – I had ZERO coping mechanisms in place for the intensity of the feelings I was being forced to confront and my brain was totally crazy from lack of food. I had let go completely – I was such a mess that for a week I couldn’t eat at all and for another 3 or 4 I couldn’t face even the thought of eating anything solid.  The Iron Clad Control I usually have over my feelings had totally collapsed and with it went any control I had over my Eating Disorder. I was lucky that this collapse coincided with my being back at the top of the Eating Disorders Unit waiting list (coincidence? Yes but a fortunate one!). If I hadn’t been able to access the support and monitoring they provide – if I’d had to wait even a few weeks on the waiting list – the fallout would have been MUCH more serious.  Since, if I didn’t want to be discharged by ED, I had to eat and gain weight, I couldn’t keep using food restriction to cope at that point either. Hence, the larger quetiapine dose.

Since then, as I mentioned above, I have had some very intense and regular therapy with my amazing Psychologist Racheal. Since I have continued to gain weight and attend my therapy/doctors appointments I have had my treatment at ED extended twice – that sounds bad but it’s actually a REALLY good thing. Having treatment extended means I’m doing WELL – that seems so strange to me but ED does not have the budget to help those who aren’t making progress unfortunately. Dealing with thoughts I had ZERO wish to acknowledge, let alone concentrate on, meant I have had no desire to decrease this particular medication up until this point. Ongoing CBT, Attention Training Techniques and Talk Therapy have given me some different tools to utilise – this week I wanted to see how well I was implementing these in my real life – life outside the bubble of my weekly therapy sessions.  I also wanted to increase my ability to concentrate. I have recently started a new job and I know I can be REALLY good at it IF I can utilise my thinking ability.

So I, somewhat stupidly, decided I was going to do An Experiment. I reduced my dose of Quetiapine back to what it was before my latest emotional collapse. I halved it. And you know what? Nothing happened. Well, actually quite a lot happened but NOTHING TERRIBLE. I was actually surprised. It’s not that I didn’t think the coping tools Racheal has been helping with wouldn’t work. I had great faith in her and the science behind them in fact. Intellectually, I absolutely knew they were great techniques for dealing with everyday anxieties and emotions. I just didn’t think they’d work FOR ME. Not because my anxiety is worse than other peoples or I have more to deal with or anything like that – in fact, I readily acknowledge that most other people have lives that are MUCH more difficult than mine and I’m very lucky to have so much love and support around me. It’s was that these techniques aren’t magic – they actually require effort and hard work to be effective –  and in my head I am still a complete fuck up who fails at everything she tries. It was my faith in Racheal and science that made me try despite my crazy brain.

Usually when I try something so risky and reckless, it’s part of my self sabotage pattern. My self perpetuating cycle of pushing myself to ridiculous extremes/wanting to be perfect immediately/falling for emotionally unavailable men or women then getting sick/making a mistake/not dealing with fall out of whatever stupid risk I took and therefore reinforcing to myself that I am a failure/invalid/complete fuck up that will never succeed/be loved by anyone. It totally could have gone that way this time as well – my anxiety did increase somewhat but I DIDN’T GIVE IN TO IT! I BEAT it. I used my ATT and I just didn’t LISTEN to the shitty self talk/food phobia/perfectionism. (I know I used WAY too may /s in that paragraph 🙂 )

Some good things DID happen. I have started reading properly again despite not having my glasses yet which is great because I love reading. I feel more awake when I’m up and about. I haven’t had to sleep in late to feel at all rested. AND I enjoyed work and socialising MUCH more. Three separate customers told me I was “really good at this” when I was talking to them about products.

Terrible Selfie but whatevs – my weird photo face!

I fucking LOVE my new job! I also got a haircut, paid all of my current bills AND bought a new handbag! Week of wins all around 😉

So, I am going to discuss this with Racheal in our next session to see what she says about it. I know she’ll tell me off because it was a really dumb thing to do but I think it turned out for the best. To me, this is a win. Brain is still obviously kind of unwell – I don’t think stopping medication entirely will be a good idea any time soon – but this is a great step forward. It feels so much better than the weight gain I’ve managed to maintain – crazy brain still HATES that. Much work to do still obviously.

In Honour of Mental Health Awareness Week

I haven’t blogged for a while – the main reason being I am still waiting for my new glasses and being on the computer gives me a headache – but, as it’s Mental Health Awareness week, I thought I’d better write something before i get completely out of the habit!

So, mental health is a difficult thing to talk about. It’s the ultimate invisible illness. It’s not like you can even have a blood test or a CT and get a definitive diagnosis – mental illness is different for everyone and, therefore, is REALLY difficult to recognise and treat. I’ve  blogged before about the misunderstandings associated with mental illness – specifically Eating Disorders – and, unfortunately, it’s not just the general public that doesn’t always get it. Many health professionals don’t have the understanding or the training to deal with a lot of these issues and this truth can make it even harder for people, already often fearful and/or embarrassed, to seek help and obtain effective treatment. Later this week I will blog about addiction – the one complication of my (very!) ill brain that I still haven’t really talked about a lot or come to terms with. Anyway, more about that later!

Sometimes the medication that’s supposed to help us cope can be part of the problem. After the fiasco that was my experience of Fluoxetine when I was 16, it took me 14 years to accept that i needed to try medication again. I am now on 2 different antidepressants,  – my body unfortunately seems to develop a tolerance to medication quite quickly so I apparently require a cocktail to keep my brain chemistry at a reasonably healthy level for the moment – quetiapine for anxiety and have only recently stopped needing to take Tamazepam to sleep for more than an hour at a time. These things do help and yet I still scratch my hands/fingers until they bleed from anxiety, I still battle panic attacks and my brain is not suddenly ‘fixed’. There is no quick fix medication for your brain. Unfortunately.

Fortunately, however, I have a lot of great things in my life that, together with my medication,  is helping me get better.  I have an amazing group of friends that don’t judge me, I have a close family that go out of their way to help me out and spend time with me and I have an fantastic therapist who is super smart and really understanding. A lot of what Racheal is having me do – things that seemed stupid and annoying in the beginning – are actually amazing resources that are helping me to re-write my brain pathways. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle to do a lot of what she asks me to. My brain is so used to being unhealthy that it doesn’t particularly want to change. Also I have a major fear of failure that makes me not want to try. And yet I’m doing it! I’m keeping the positive data logs even though acknowledging when I do something ‘good’ makes me really uncomfortable. I’m reading Overcoming Childhood Trauma and doing the exercises even though confronting Anger makes me anxious. I’m practising my Attention Training Technique (ATT) with the CD Racheal gave me even though it’s like exercise for your brain and I HATE exercise! My point is it’s uncomfortable and hard and anxiety inducing and I’d rather do pretty much anything else but I’m STILL DOING IT! And it’s helping.

I still have times when I feel REALLY disconnected from reality – part of me feels like that’s kind of just a symptom of the society we live in. For example, Sometimes I see an ad for fastfood and instantly I feel like I’m not a real person – like a world where Burger King and starving children exist at the same time is so ridiculous that my life must be some kind of dream… and that’s my brain ladies and gentlemen! But, feelings and reality are not the same. I might feel fat but I’m not. I might feel like I’m a failure and nobody REALLY cares about me but it’s not true. I might feel like any second something will happen to totally screw things up as soon as I feel good but it WON’T! I’m getting better at it but I know I need to keep working hard at all of this.

The thing that helps me the most is being able to talk about what is going on for me with the people I care about and that care about me. This blog helps. You guys help. SO MUCH.

That’s What Friends Are For.

No matter who you are, it’s never easy to ask for help. Even as children most of us have a problem with it – most of us would rather show how independent we are than to admit we’re struggling – and  it’s even harder as adults.

I know this from experience – the HARDEST thing is when circumstances beyond your control mean that you’re FORCED to rely on other people. No matter how much we would rather sort things out for ourselves/be independent/change our circumstances on our own, there are some things that it is not possible to change and this impacts on a number of areas of our lives. One of these for me has been my health impacting my finances. I have been unable to work full time for a number of years and have only just started part time work (9 hours a week) over the past 10 months. WINZ are ridiculously hard to deal with and seem to go out of their way to be UNHELPFUL. However, I am VERY lucky that most of my prescriptions are fully funded, I currently don’t have to pay for counselling because i get it through Eating Disorders and my mother is in a position to help me out when i need it (for example, she often gives me grocery vouchers, buys my daughter clothes and lends me money for unexpected expenses like large dental bills). Oh and I leave in a small council flat so my rent is not too expensive.

My friend Sarah has been going through something similar. She has been so strong – she almost never complains and writes an amazing an inspirational blog.  Again, hers is a case where circumstances she cannot control are impacting her in more ways than just a required change in diet and more visits to the doctor. Her experiences with WINZ  have been horrendous but she still writes to help others who might be in a similar circumstance. Sarah is also independent and stubborn – like most of us she doesn’t want to accept help, especially financial help, because it feels wrong. It isn’t though. Well all need help sometimes and that’s what friends are for.

I have opened a new bank account in my name in order to do some crowd funding for Sarah – WINZ refuses to help her with outstanding accountancy fees, moving costs, tax bills, new glasses and numerous other expenses that are certainly not luxury items! The account is in my name for obvious reasons (feel free to DM me on twitter if you would like more details). Sarah  will be able to use the funds raised for very necessary expenses including the ones listed above and anything else that comes up unexpectedly. Please help out if you can – every little bit helps and if we all pitch in we can make a big differences for a VERY deserving and lovely person.

Account details are:

S M BENNETT  06-0821-0299177-10

My twitter community has been instrumental in keeping me optimistic about relying on other people for support – please help us now!

Please feel free to DM me on twitter (handle is @youssuxes) or email me at youssuxes@gmail.com for more details.

This Book and Me: Overcoming Childhood Trauma

(NOTE: This post is relevant to anyone who has issues with negative thought processes/self esteem/anxiety/depression/addiction – basically anyone who could use a little CBT.  The book, and I, would never presume to say that these issues and thought processes are only relevant to abuse survivors. There can be many causes/reasons for all of these issues and none are more significant than any other)

So I wasn’t going to Blog tonight – I felt tired when i got home just after 8pm and I now have work tomorrow morning. I thought I’d leave it until the weekend. Then I watched an episode of Continuum. How does a SciFi Tv show about time travel inspire a Blog post about working through childhood trauma you ask? Well, this episode touched on the fact that, no matter what the circumstances, when something bad happens to a child they will blame themselves in the first instance. This episode was about a child thinking their mother may have died but it amounts to the same thing – to a child, a traumatic event of any kind will involve some kind of self blame. Sometimes this is dealt with effectively at the time and the traumatic event/events can have little to no effect on this child as an adult. Unfortunately this is not always the case.

On the advice of my excellent therapist – who, by the way, is a virtual saint in the way she deals with my complete inability to give voice to my feelings – I have been working through a book by Helen Kennerley called Overcoming Childhood Trauma: A Self Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques. It has been written specifically for abuse survivors – whether this abuse is sexual, physical or emotional. The book is written in easily understood language and uses logical explanations as well as practical exercises to help survivors understand and work through issues surrounding their experiences. For this post, I will focus on part one – Understanding Childhood Trauma.

Bienenwabe
http://www.flickr.com/photos/38563466@N00/3287483362

What I first noticed and really appreciated about this particular book was that is didn’t attempt to define ‘abuse’ too definitively. It discusses the reality that even non-contact, emotional neglect (even in the form of a parent not ‘being there’ for a child) can have just as great an impact in adult life as sexual abuse – it specifically states that

“Given the many forms of abuse committed against children and young adults, it is important not to hold too narrow a view of childhood trauma. We should appreciate that recognizing and dealing with the actual difficulties that a person suffers is more important than classifying early experiences.”

To me, this spoke volumes – Just from reading this particular paragraph, I knew that Kennerley was not going to try and tell me that my experiences were better/worse than others or how I ‘should’ feel about them. Or that one ‘type’of abuse was worse than any other – I don’t believe that comparing my experiences to other people’s is particularly helpful when trying to work through my own issues. In a previous Blog I discussed the need to balance acknowledging that my particular experiences were difficult for me and keeping things in perspective – while it is not helpful to dwell on how ‘bad’ my life/health/childhood trauma was on a regular basis, it is also ok to say “Hey, this really hurt me and even though I am finding it hard to deal with,  that doesn’t make me weak.” It’s MUCH easier for me to downplay exactly how tough I find ‘normal’ feelings – I would FAR RATHER tell people I’m fine when I’m dying inside than to even say “I feel sad today”. Dissociation has been my coping mechanism for so long often I don’t even know how to name my feelings when I do try to describe them – I feel like 90% of my therapy sessions are spent replying “I don’t even know…” when asked how I feel about something! Again, I have to acknowledge to myself that that’s ok too – 26 years of stamping on my feelings and completely disconnecting from them takes some time to overcome!

Enrico Webers
http://www.flickr.com/photos/98564894@N00/17090166

Part one also discusses the negative belief systems that can develop when a child has been subject to abuse. The most helpful thing for me about the book in general is the way it explains the concepts behind the exercises. It gives examples of belief systems that can develop but makes it clear that these are general examples only and are not an exhaustive list. Going through this section, it was helpful for me to identify the belief systems that I have developed. There are 3 sections mentioned in this chapter – Beliefs about self, beliefs about others and beliefs about the world/future. This is embarrassing but these are the ones I am currently working through:

Self: I was stupid to let the abuse happen. I am a failure. I end up ruining everything. I am a complete loser. I am not worth the effort.

Others: Eventually everyone will hurt me.

The World/future: The world is a dangerous place. Nothing will turn out right for me in the long run.

Honestly these sound ridiculous when i write them down – but they FEEL real. And, to be honest, even identifying these issues make so many other things fall into place. OF COURSE I have anxiety issues  – if I feel that the world in general is out to get me I will be on constant high alert. Scanning for threats constantly is exhausting and TERRIFYING. OF COURSE I sabotage all my relationships if I believe that I will eventually be hurt by everyone. OF COURSE my brain will actively look for evidence that I am a loser and can’t do anything right if that is what I am telling it is the truth.

Right now I my therapy homework is to keep a list of things that support a more positive belief about myself – specifically ‘I am a good person and I am good enough’ – and about others – namely ‘There are some people that I can trust.”. I feel dumb writing everything down – I have a tendency to downplay any positive aspects about myself especially – but I need to keep in mind that I am actively retraining my brain. Instead of filtering out anything that would contribute to more positive beliefs, as has been my habit, I am now having to actively look for evidence that will back up a better outlook. It feels weird but it only makes sense that forging new brain pathways will take time and effort.

Ok, I think that’s enough for everyone to get through at the moment – I skim past important information just to fit all of section one into one post! Next time: Some stuff about dealing with traumatic memories… ❤

Kennerley, Helen (2012-09-11). Overcoming Childhood Trauma (Kindle Locations 329-331). Constable Robinson. Kindle Edition.

Origin of guilt – childhood trauma

This is the hardest thing i will EVER write. If you’re reading this it’s probably going to be pretty hard on you too.  In fact, some of you will probably want to stop reading right here – triggers in this post include sexual abuse of a child. I was going to write this post and only share it with a select circle of people – my family and the friends i trust implicitly but silence on this subject is what allows it to keep happening and the reason that victims feel alone. I am writing this now because I don’t have the capacity to talk about it in person – I don’t want to burden people with knowledge that may be distressing to them. I haven’t even been able to tell my therapist any details. Actually i haven’t told anyone the details, not even my mum. At least this way, people can read if they want to and stop at the point where it becomes too uncomfortable for them and i can still get everything out that i need to. Here it goes – this is your chance to stop reading if this is too heavy for you. There is no shame in that.

When i was little, one of my best friends was a boy (I will refer to him as Nick). He was the son of 1 of my one of my mother’s best friends (who i will call Jane) and her husband (who i will call John). Jane and my mum were very close and Nick and I grew up together – he and i were the same age and his younger brother (let’s call him Greg) was friends with my younger sister. Nick and Greg would have sleep overs at our house and Hayley and I would stay at theirs. For a while, everything was fine. I must have been 4 when it started. John began taking me into the shed on my own. At first it was just to show me his penis and talk to me about it. He told me this was our secret – that it was our ‘Special Time’ and he shared it with me because he loved me. He said telling people our secret would be ‘naughty’ and that my parents would be mad at me if i told them about it. I believed him because I was a 4yr old child. After a while it escalated – he would show me his penis and then make me sit on his lap while he touched me. After a few times he made me touch him too.

I was confused but I knew there was something wrong about what was happening. My parents had taught me about Stranger Danger but this guy wasn’t a stranger – he was an adult that I’d known for a long time and you’re supposed to be able to trust adults! I didnt tell my parents – I didn’t trust my instincts over the word of this grown-up that was supposed to be looking out for me. One day, out of the blue, probably just after I’d turned 5, my mum asked me if John had ever exposed himself to me or touched me. Apparently the same thing had happened to another girl that we knew and she HAD told her parents. I denied it. I denied it for days while my parents grilled me about it. Asked me over and over again if I was sure nothing had happened and begging me to tell them if it had. I didn’t want to tell them what had happened because I was ashamed. Ashamed that I hadn’t told them right away and scared they would be ashamed OF me if I did tell. Eventually I caved. I told them the absolute minimum of information that would confirm what they already knew. I told as little of the ‘secret’ as possible – I didn’t want anyone to think I wasn’t a ‘good girl’. I remember having to have a pelvic exam at a doctor’s office – I imagine it was to make sure I hadn’t been raped. It hurt SO MUCH but I didn’t cry – I read a book and sucked it up. I wanted Mum to see me being brave. After the exam I talked to what i now know was a therapist – she asked me some general questions about my life and asked me to draw a picture or whatever I wanted. It must have been an ok drawing because she told my mum I was adjusting “Just fine”. I’m now 31 years old and this is the first time I’ve brought it up voluntarily. I didn’t have to testify and John went to jail – it happened in Australia so I have no idea if he’s out yet or not.

Unfortunately that isn’t quite the end of the story. Here’s where timing gets a little hazy for me. It was 26 years ago after all. It was either during this process or just after that Nick was diagnosed with a brain tumour. A life threatening brain tumour that would require dangerous surgery to remove. I remember visiting him in the hospital in recovery – his whole head was covered in bandages and he didn’t look like himself at all. I was scared. The surgery was successful in that the tumour was removed but Nick’s brain had been irreversibly damaged by a slight scalpel slip. He had learning and behavioural difficulties for the rest of his life and couldn’t close his eyes completely, even to sleep. Not only was I ashamed that I’d ‘let’ this happen (and then told about it), I now felt so guilty for taking Nick’s dad away from him when he was so sick. It didn’t matter that in reality he would have been better off without such a father around – in my small child’s head any dad was better than no dad. How could I do that to him? All I had to do was not be so stupid as to go into the shed alone with John or, if i couldn’t manage that, at least kept my damn mouth shut. I should have stopped it. If I hadn’t let John keep doing it he wouldn’t have got into trouble – if I’d told him to stop instead of being such a scared baby it wouldn’t have escalated. It was my fault that Jane and Nick and Greg had to go through this horrible ordeal on their own. My fault that I’d let it happen. My fault that other people knew. I felt guilty and ashamed and disgusting. I still do. In fact the guilt is worse now because I don’t remember what’s it’s like to be small and helpless and 4 years old. I know what i could do if it happened now and it’s hard not to judge my 4yr old self by those same expectations. My brain is not rational.

And then I think of Ashlee. Of what she could do about it if she was groomed by a disgusting predator. Whether she could fight off a grown man that wanted to take advantage of her. Of how she would react to being told to do something by an adult she had known for almost her whole life. Of what I would say to her or another small child that told me it was their fault this had happened to them.  That’s how I’m trying to treat my inner child who was/is so damaged by this experience. So wounded by this betrayal of trust. I am trying to be kind to myself and nurture that aspect of me. This is part of that. A cleansing so I can escape the guilt. The beginning of a process that will let me trust fully again – trust is SO hard for me but I’m tired of constantly scanning for threats. I’m tired of freezing when I’m alone and a man approaches me. I’m tired of sabotaging all of the good things in my life because I feel like I don’t deserve them. I’m just tired. Now, I going to have a red wine and a steak and then I’m going to bed. Thanks for listening guys ❤

Today’s a bit SHIT – acknowledging when things aren’t perfect.

I’m feeling sorry for myself today. From the outside it may seem like i have a reason to. It’s freezing in my council flat, I feel tired and kind of shaky even tho i haven’t done anything today apart from go to various doctors appointments and i have no appetite but i have to eat. My back is still hurting from a fall at work last week and I REALLY need to vacuum my house but i cant because of my stupid back. I have $10 in cash until Wednesday.  I had 2 hypos (low blood sugars) yesterday and 1 already this morning and I’m pretty sure that’s why i have a headache. I have to drink these disgusting Diasip drinks to help me put on weight – they’re so so gross! I cried in my therapy appointment this morning which i totally hate. I’m tired of sitting around my house and being on a benefit and getting sick almost every time something fun happens!

Phew. Ok, I’m done. Sometimes it’s good to get that stuff out because it’s not easy and it’s not fun. It’s also not healthy to dwell on it too much. That doesn’t mean that i don’t need to talk about it occasionally. The thing is, talking about it makes me feel weak. Or, rather, makes me feel like other people will think I’m weak. And vulnerable. And NOT PERFECT. I WANT other people to think I have it together even when I don’t. That’s always been very important to me. If other people can’t see the cracks in your armour, the imperfections in your life, the things you find difficult then they can’t hurt you. It’s not possible to hurt someone that doesn’t give a shit if you or anyone else doesn’t like them. Someone who is confident and together and doesn’t need anyone else never gets their heart broken, never feels abandoned and and can do anything they put their mind to.

I know most of these things aren’t true. Everyone gets hurt sometimes and nobody is perfect. It was nice to pretend for a while though. Then it got not so nice. I let my armour get so thick that after a while i didn’t really know what was truly underneath it. I disconnected from my feelings for so long that I forgot what it was like to feel anything. I pretended to be perfect for such a long time that now it’s hard not to judge myself by those standards of perfection. There are far too many “shoulds” in my self talk – “I should be able to so this on my own. I should be doing better than this. I should have pushed those feelings down. I should have stopped eating sooner.” My horrible perfectionism fuels my eating disorder and my anxiety. My disconnection from my feelings means I find it almost impossible to articulate what I’m feeling in person. I’m trying to get out of the habit of telling people I’m fine and downplaying my illness with even the people i really do trust. I’m doing my best to articulate what i feel/need/have been through, even if it’s just through this blog. It’s hard and it’s tiring and often i hate it. But i WILL get there. I just have to push through and give myself permission to be proud of the hard work I’m doing to get well and grow as a person.

I’ve had this discussion with a few people lately – how there is a balance between letting people know that you’re going through some not so great stuff and occasionally need to talk it out AND remembering that so many people in the world are suffering in a way that no one born and bred in NZ can truly understand. The acknowledgement of other people’s greater problems/illnesses/suffering is important – it can snap us out of self pity before it becomes wallowing – but it becomes unhelpful if we use it as an excuse not to acknowledge that we’re having it tough too and that’s ok. It IS ok. We can tell our friends and family when we feel like crap or if we need help or if we just need to talk it out. It’s not complaining, just a recognition that we (and our lives) aren’t perfect.

A note about family and friendship.

Not everything in my life is difficult. In fact, I am incredibly blessed in many aspects of my life. I have had a good education, my family has never been really poor and I live in a country where I have had access to excellent public health care. I have an amazing support network and my beautiful daughter – it’s my wonderful friends and my amazing family that I want to take time to acknowledge here.

Firstly, my mum. We don’t always get along perfectly – we both have some major issues talking about feelings and we both often assume we know what the other person is thinking. Despite this, I love my mum to pieces and I would be absolutely lost without her. We annoy each other and we argue – we disagree about many things – but she has ALWAYS been there for me. I love you mum –  I couldn’t have asked for a better mother and I should have told you this much sooner.

My sister is also amazing. We fought a lot as kids – we’re only 13 months apart in age so the whole sibling rivalry thing was certainly there – but we grew out of that and actually enjoy each others

Hayley (in the middle) and me (on the right) at Hayley’s wedding

company. My sister is smart, funny, totally gorgeous and very caring. A total perfectionist but that’s what makes her a great Radiation Therapist. I love you Hayley.

My little brother. I say little because he has always been the baby of the family and always will be – despite being over a foot taller than me now! My bro has turned into a remarkable young man – loving to his brilliant partner, intelligent, hardworking and absolutely hilarious! And so kind. I love you James.

James and his lovely partner

Just a few more guys – I know, feelings are gross but this has to be done.

My amazing friends –  I can’t name all of you because it would take WAY too long and I’m sure I’d miss someone because I’m terrible – I am SO amazingly lucky to have all of you. I’m 100% sure that very few people get to have the huge number of REAL friends that I have. High school, university, pregnancy, motherhood – so many of you were wonderful and supportive and a total life line for me. More recently my twitter friends have been very important in my life too – how would i cope being home alone so much without all of you?

I do have to mention one specific person (and i hope the rest of you won’t take offence because i love all of you SO MUCH) and that is my BFF, Anna. We met when we were 15 and I have never looked back. It doesn’t matter if we talk everyday or not at all for months – I know you’d be there for me and i hope you know I would do anything for you. Anna i love you like a sister and i will never be able to explain how much i appreciate everything about you.

OK, enough gross feelings! Don’t expect any more for another year or so – that’s my full quota. I’m terrible at feelings in person – I’m VERY uncomfortable expressing them in person. I hope this is enough to let the important people in my life know how I feel until i get better at communicating face to face about serious topics. Love you guys!

The Anxiety Issue – Is it like this for everyone?

I was sitting here, about to go to bed, when the Anxiety hit. I give it a capital letter because it feels like a living thing sometimes – like it’s a some kind of dark cloud or a monster waiting to engulf me. That’s what it felt like tonight. Pulse racing, nervous sweat, feeling like i couldn’t get enough air and intense claustrophobia – and that’s not the worst attack I’ve had lately. This is my third bad one in a month. I’m not even sure what brought it on tonight – maybe I’m tired, maybe the pain killers I’m taking for my back are interfering with my anxiety meds, maybe it’s because I haven’t seen my cat all day or it could just be because i ate that steak AND carbs for dinner. I never really know what will trigger my Anxiety – well, trigger it more than usual…

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Basically I have to take my Anxiety medication to function at all at the moment – without it, especially when i’m on my own, my Eating Disorder (also capitals!) is too loud. I can’t prepare food or eat while it’s screaming at me. And it is like another voice – some nurses at EDU like to encourage patients to give their Eating Disorder a name. I’ve never felt comfortable doing that but i can see how it would help some people. Sometimes it helps to think about it as something outside yourself – can make you feel less like a victim and take back an identity that doesn’t include an Eating Disorder.

The medication helps slightly. It also slows me down, makes me feel like i have less energy. Although considering everything else I’m dealing with at the moment that feeling is probably psychosomatic. I actually do need it to slow down my brain – otherwise my unhealthy thoughts become looped and it’s a downhill spiral for my eating, my depression and my Anxiety. It feels so unfair that, just when I’m pushing myself to eat normally and go to counselling that the Anxiety gets worse. It was bound to happen of course. Part of treatment for any mental illness usually involves dealing with things you’d rather keep suppressed (for me that includes some pretty serious childhood trauma that i will write about another time as well as my underlying issues with food) That’s why it’s so hard. I’m on a lot of different medications to help me function right now – mirtazapine and escitalopram for depression and quetiapine for anxiety just to name a few – and they DO help. They are not, however, a long term solution. For me, at least, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Talk Therapy will be essential. I’ve been down the antidepressant road without counselling before and it was pretty much just a band-aid. Nothing got sorted, my one and only coping mechanism became suppressing my feelings and it all started over again.

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I still have days when my whole life feels like some kind of play – like i can’t connect to anyone or anything around me because it doesn’t feel real. Often I feel like someone else is looking through my eyes or that I’m watching myself interact with people from outside my body. It’s the weirdest feeling – i don’t even really know how to describe it. It must be getting better though because at least now i recognise when it’s happening. It used to be so constant that I thought it was normal – I couldn’t remember any other way to be.

People who don’t know me that well wouldn’t think of me as an anxious person – I’m an extrovert who loves talking to people, I don’t get nervous meeting new people or doing new things, I LOVE anything that gives me an adrenalin rush and I can speak in public with relative ease.  A lot of that, though, is part of my camouflage. My mask. My ‘fake it till you make it’ persona. Not all of it – most of that is still part of my personality. My point is that I’m good at pretending I’m not scared when I’m actually terrified. And lately I’m terrified 90% of the time. I’m terrified of posting this! There’s no point being shy about it now – this blog is here for me to be honest about how I’m feeling and to share my experiences with other people. I hope it helps – it’s definitely helped me.